Looney Lullaby
by xBleedingBlackRosex
Summary: Blaine managed to capture a video of Kurt, crazed by lack of sleep and coffee, and it gets into the hands of Wes. Just some fun! Enjoy :D
1. Chapter 1: My Boyfriend's Insane

**Is there a purpose for this fic? Not at all. lol I'm just procrastinating ****_really hard_**** on my studying. I just wrote this one for fun. Enjoy! Please excuse all the OOCness...**

"Your dirty laundry looks _just_ like my best friend..."

Blaine looked up incredulously from his calculus set, deeply hoping he had heard that wrong. His boyfriend was sitting on his bed, knees drawn to his chest, staring with an eery, angled gaze at his overflowing hamper in the corner of the dorm room. Blaine glanced at the laundry in question, then back to Kurt.

"Um...Yes..._Just_ like Mercedes! Identical..."

But the brunette shook his head vehemently. "Not _Mercedes_, silly!" he frowned, as if Blaine should have already known what he was talking about. "The evil garden gnome! He's only nice to me, though...He hates Finn because he's jealous of Finn's height." He nodded solemnly, wide-eyed and completely straight-faced.

Blaine snorted in laughter and returned to his homework, realizing that it would be best to just get through with his assignment as fast as he possibly could. Kurt had pulled an all-nighter the night before in order to get that week's glee club assignment finished, and had skipped his morning coffee because he'd been too busy finishing up his homework. He had then opted for getting a head start on _that_ night's load instead of eating lunch, so that he could get over to Dalton as quickly as possible. This meant that, by the time he'd arrived at his old school, the combination of caffeine deprivation and hunger had driven him to near-insanity, a state Blaine had only seen him in twice since they first met.

He had urged Kurt to go down to the twenty-four-hour café next to the Senior Commons, but the younger boy had been adamant about waiting until Blaine had finished his own homework so they could go together. The countertenor had arrived about an hour ago, around six, and had since taken up position in the center of his bed. He sat in relative silence for the most part; there were times he would begin humming a strange, unrecognizable tune, or else he would wander over to Blaine's closet and begin reorganizing it. Every so often, he would break out of his daze to spurt some random bouts of unintelligible information at him, effectively distracting him from the problem he was on as he desperately tried to understand what Kurt had meant. And, to be honest, deciphering what "I want to kiss a ninja on the nose" really translated to was far more fascinating to Blaine than his calculus sets. Last time this happened, the fashionista had proclaimed that his unicorn was too weak to carry the giant patticake, and that the purple dwarf would have to do it instead.

If Blaine didn't know any better, he would be convinced Kurt had taken some sort of pill before arriving. And he wasn't thinking Asprin, here...

"We'll go right after this," Blaine assured, partially for his own sake. "Just one more problem..."

"Take your time," Kurt sang airily. He began to sway.

The dark-haired boy scribbled through his last question, not even caring if he got the right answer, and slammed closed his textbook. "Come on."

The brunette perked up. "Food? Food now?"

Blaine chuckled. "Yes, babe, food now. Let's go." He took Kurt's hand and led him out of the room and down the corridor towards the café. A few boys recognized Kurt and greeted them both warmly. Everybody knew and loved the Warblers, after all, even ex-Warblers. Luckily, none of them noticed the dreamy expression on Kurt's face.

When they arrived, the barista took one look at Kurt's loopy smile and the dark shadows under his eyes and smiled understandingly. Many a student had come by for a quick pick-me-up, whether they were up studying or in the middle of a video game tournament. Seven was by far a more reasonable hour than most of the oh-dear-god-if-I-don't-get-caffeine-soon-I-think-I-might-_die_ cases.

"Do you want a scone?" Blaine suggested. "Or a parfait? I know you like parfaits..."

This, for some reason, made Kurt double over laughing. Blaine calmly ordered a non-fat mocha and a parfait for Kurt and a medium drip and a blueberry scone for himself. It was not dinner-worthy, but it was a start. He then led a bouncing Kurt over to one of the few tables and passed him the cup of fruit and yogurt.

"Here," he smiled. "Eat up."

Kurt took a great spoonful, moaning with delight. He wiggled in his seat. Blaine thought it was the cutest thing in the world. The countertenor then chugged down half his drink at once, as if he'd never tasted coffee before. Blaine waited patiently as the boy's expression dimmed from exhaustion-inflicted excitement to disbelief.

"Thanks," he murmured, abashed. He then took a much calmer sip of his beverage. "Sorry about that. You must be getting sick of me going all senile on you..."

Blaine laughed and took his hand, holding it tightly. "Never," he beamed honestly. "I'm your boyfriend, remember? It's in the job description to deal with you when you're sleep- and caffeine-deprived! Besides, I kind of enjoy seeing the crazier side of you every once in a while...Maybe I should record it sometime."

Kurt blanched. "You wouldn't!"

Blaine smirked. "Well, I _may_ have already _gotten_ a little clip..." He pulled his phone out of his pocket and innocently glanced down at it.

"_Blaine Anderson!_" Kurt snatched it away. It did not take long to find the video Blaine was talking about. Eyes wide with panic, he turned the volume down very low so no passers-by could overhear and watched as his completely-out-of-it self stroked Blaine's pillow, sang it an improvised lullaby about chocolate ducks, and then demanded an off-screen Blaine to take him to Pluto so that they could convince it to rejoin the solar system.

All with a completely serious face.

"I'm going to _kill_ you!" He glared at his boyfriend, who was currently dying of mirth and not even bothering to hide it. "I can't believe it! This is getting deleted _right now_-"

"No!" Before Kurt could hit the fateful button, Blaine grabbed his phone back. "Come on, Kurt, you can't deny it's hilarious! I want to keep it! So that when we're old and gray – but still insanely good-looking, of course – we can show our grandkids how awesome Grandpa Kurt was as a teenager."

Kurt knew Blaine was joking, but he couldn't help but picture it. They often joked about their imaginary future together – creating extravagant fantasies about castles and dragons and lyrical passwords and gargantuan moat-like swimming pools with a slide and diving board – but that didn't mean Kurt didn't ever wish it could be real. He did. Embarrassingly often. And it was the thought of actually being able to grow old with the man he loved that kept him from stealing the phone back and deleting the video like he wanted.

"If you show anybody," he warned, pointing his plastic spoon threateningly at his boyfriend, "I will _cut_ you." Then, at Blaine's disbelieving eyebrow, he corrected, "Well, okay, I'll get _Mercedes_ to cut you!"

This was a thoroughly effective threat, as neither of them doubted for a second what that diva was capable of when angered.

"It'll be our little secret," Blaine promised, pretending to cower in fear.

But, as so often happens with promises, it was unintentionally broken within the week.

…

**NOTE: The vast majority of the jokes in this fic are from me or my friends. I know. We're just THAT awesome. You be jealons. (Ignore me. I'm too tired to be writing this...Somebody get me a latte, stat)**

**Kisses,**

**~Ripple**


	2. Chapter 2: Discovery

**This beginning scene? Yeah, this actually went down in my English class. I know. You REALLY want to go to my school now, don't you ;P**

…

Jeff stood up and headed for the door.

"Sorry to interrupt your speech, man..."

"Now we are engaged in a great civil war – oh, don't worry about it, bro! Have a nice pee – testing whether that nation-" David's expression did not change as he continued to recite the Gettysburg Address at the front of the class, which they had been told to read and annotate the night before. People who memorized it as well got extra credit. The teacher was the only one actually paying attention to these, however; the rest of the class was too busy with their own conversations.

"I went down like a wounded buffalo..."

"Dude, I _totally_ know the feeling!"

"I like nachos."

"I think he'd dead. Oh, no, wait, he's snoring. Never mind."

"Get _off_ my bag! You're squishing my rubik's cube!"

"Mr. P, he's eating my paper again!"

The English teacher sighed heavily. He was cursed with having the majority of the Warblers in his last class of the day, which meant that on Fridays – as today was – his lesson plans were pretty lenient. He knew from experience that if he tried to teach anything for the final hour nobody would actually pay attention to him anyway. So for the most part he just let them break into their own 'discussion groups' in order to 'go over last night's reading assignment.' Which translated to "a time to hang out."

Blaine sat with Wes and Thad, half-listening to David's recitation of the Gettysburg Address and inking his and Kurt's initials in his margins.

Wes, who was using his phone to watch videos on Youtube (or so he'd said), popped an earbud out and turned to him. "Um, Blaine...What's this?"

"Hmm?" The curly-haired singer quickly closed his notebook full of embarrassingly-schoolgirl-esque doodles. "What?"

Wes turned the phone screen towards him and hit replay. Even without the audio, Blaine knew what Kurt was singing – that oddly entrancing chocolate duck song. The color in Blaine's face drained.

_I am _so_ dead..._

"That-...Um...It's..." At a loss for words, though, he quickly unplugged Wes's earphones and slipped his phone back in his pocket. "That's nothing. You never saw it, you hear me?"

Wes protested the sudden absence of noise in his earbuds. He removed them and leaned forward across his table staring intently at his friend. "Blaine, I don't care if Kurt was as high as a plane when he sung that – I _want_ that song!"

"..._What_?" Blaine demanded, astounded.

"It was really good!" Wes shrugged, completely serious. "It's the perfect birthday present for my baby cousin. Think you could convince him to sing it again so we can record it in better definition? That one was a little scratchy...And maybe this time lay off the booze beforehand?"

"He wasn't _drunk_!" Blaine snapped. Mr. P glanced over at them questioningly, then decided against it and returned his attention to David. "He gets like that when he'd tired, and hungry, and in caffeine-withdrawal. He isn't a druggy. You know that, Wes."

"Well then take away his expresso machine and get him back here!" he insisted.

Blaine sighed heavily. Wes was being impossible. "There's no way he would ever agree to that. He'd be mad enough as it is if he ever found out you heard it! I promised him I wouldn't show it to anybody."

"But you didn't show it to me!" he reasoned. "I came across it by pure coincidence. It was fate!" He pouted when he saw that Blaine was not being swayed. Then a terrifyingly devilish grin spread across his face. In an unconvincingly innocent voice, he said, "Alright, Blaine, you win. I won't bring it up again."

Blaine glanced sideways at him suspiciously. "Thanks..." He returned to his doodling, all the while keeping an eye on the Asian, wondering what he was up to. Knowing Wes, he could be thinking of almost anything. And as a member of the Warbler council, he had a fair amount of power in his hands. Not only over the Warblers, but over the entire student body. If he wanted something, it was very likely he would get it.

But it was Blaine's neck on the line if Kurt ever found out.

…

**Very short? Yes. Very adorable? Double yes. Very, very useful in procrastinating? Unfortunately, YES. I'm already in the process of writing the chocolate duck lullaby XD But the next chapter won't be posted for quite a while. See you (hopefully) in a couple weeks!**

**Kisses,**

**~Ripple**


	3. Chapter 3: The Lullaby END

**WOW. I sort of forgot about this one. Haha sorry about that.**

**Also, I broke my keyboard and had to use the extra one from the office. It's ancient and the delete button deletes the character in FRONT, not backwards. It's extraordinarily frustrating. So I swapped it with my dad's, and this one has really stiff keys. Spiffy.**

…

Blaine knew immediately that it was Wes's doing.

The second he and Kurt walked into the cafeteria, the older boy felt a wave of panic hit him. If he wasn't so stunned, he would have killed the Asian Council member then and there. As it was, though, all he could do was freeze where he stood and stare.

The lunch options were nothing but chocolate ducks.

Kurt, thankfully, did not realize the significance of it. "What the hell is all this?" he demanded. Blaine knew he was more upset about the lack of healthy options than anything. He exhaled a breath of relief. _Okay, he doesn't understand. Just play along..._

"I have no idea," he lied. "Maybe a prank from one of the underclassmen?"

Kurt frowned. "No, look!" He pointed over at the lunch ladies. "They're willingly serving them! Why are they playing along? There's no way this is a school-approved meal."

And then Blaine caught Wes's eye and made it very clear to his so-called friend that he would get him back for this. But Wes just smirked and made his way towards them. Meanwhile, the other students were having a ball, loading up their trays with chocolate ducks as if it was Christmas come early. Kurt made no move towards the lunch line. Blaine's mind was going into overdrive – _I've got to get Kurt out of here!_ – but before he could come up with a good excuse for their escape, Wes was upon them.

"Kurt! Blaine!" he greeted with far too much cheer.

"Wes, do you know what's going on?" Kurt demanded.

Wes's smile was positively evil. "Why, _yes_, Kurt, I do!" he leered at Blaine.

_Don't!_ Blaine mouthed desperately. Kurt glanced towards him curiously. Blaine opened his mouth to give some sort of explanation, but he cut himself off when he felt a hand in his back pocket that most definitely wasn't Kurt's.

"Hey!" he gasped in surprise, spinning around.

David cackled, shaking Blaine's stolen iPhone in his face before handing it over to Wes. Blaine's eyes grew wide. "David, no! Stop it! Give that back!" He leapt forward, but the dark-skinned boy held him back from getting to Wes and his phone.

"Oh my god..."

And with Kurt's whisper, Blaine knew that he'd figured it out.

Sure enough, the brunette had put a hand over his mouth, eyes locked on the phone as if expecting it to explode at any second. His disbelief morphed into shock, which was then replaced with fear, and finally the anger set in. Blaine stopped struggling, briefly contemplating making a run for it.

"BLAINE ANDERSON-!"

And then his own voice cut him off. A sleepy, slightly slurred version of his voice that blared from Blaine's iPhone in Wes's hand, overriding the din of excited boys munching away at their 'lunches.'

_Chocolate duck_

_Oh, what luck_

_My life without you would completely suck_

_I see you swimming in the splishy-splashy water_

_Ducky, kick harder!_

_Ducky, kick harder!_

_The croc is coming closer_

_But he's nothing but a poser_

_'Cause you've got your yummy dummy wings_

_And your yummy dummy beak_

_Everything's so yummy I can hardly speak_

_The croc won't like the taste_

_But you won't go to waste_

_Because everybody loves a chocolate duck_

_And now you're mine – Oh what luck!_

Kurt was paler than pale, paralyzed to the spot. Blaine couldn't tell if he was breathing or not. He wanted to reach out and touch his arm, but was afraid that doing so would shatter him into a million pieces. So instead he waited with bated breath for someone to break the ungodly silence. Even Wes seemed to be regretting his decision; he had only meant it in good fun, after all, not to publicly embarrass the poor boy.

And then a student in the back of the cafeteria began to clap.

The wave of noise quickly gathered into a crescendo of clapping and whistling and cheering and demands for an encore. Wes exhaled with relief, beaming proudly at the reaction. Blaine snatched his phone back and shoved it into his pocket. He knew he'd be giving a very serious talk to the two boys later on. But for now, all he could think of was the countertenor.

"Kurt?" he murmured gently.

The boy scanned the room of applauding boys in awe. Then, when he realized they were not mocking him, but genuinely cheering, he actually broke into a smile.

"Wes?" He turned to the boy in question, ignoring Blaine for the moment.

"Yeah? What's- _mmph_!"

Blaine and David both doubled up laughing as Kurt grabbed a chocolate duck from a nearby tray and shoved it into Wes's mouth. The Asian boy went down dramatically. With a graceful wave to his 'audience,' Kurt then sashayed out of the room. David tried to help his choking friend up from the floor while the rest of the students all laughed and returned to their ducks. Blaine, after a moment of hesitation, chased after his boyfriend.

"Kurt! Kurt, wait up!"

The younger boy whirled on him, making him skid to a stop.

"You let _Wes_ see that?" he shouted. His cool demeanor in the cafeteria was gone now.

"No!" he panicked. "No, not intentionally! He just sort of _found_ it when he was listening to music on my phone! I didn't think he would-"

"Humiliate me in front of all of Dalton?" Kurt finished for him. And, to Blaine's horror, hot tears began to spill down his cheeks. Blaine wanted nothing more than to kiss them away and make sure they never returned. He wanted to hold him, to wind back time, to fix this. "Blaine, I never wanted _anybody_ to see that! H-How could he...? I don't-..."

He fell into Blaine's open arms, sobbing into his shoulder. Blaine rubbed his back, caressed his hair, whispered comforting nothings, waited for the tears to stop. _I'm going to kill that idiot...Nobody makes my boyfriend cry without repercussions._

"They loved it," he pointed out gently, smiling in the hopes of getting one in return. "Everybody loved it! They didn't laugh at you. Nobody would do that to you here..."

Kurt sniffed, wiped away the lingering wetness from his eyes, and nodded.

"Besides..." Blaine added slyly, leaning in and stealing a soft kiss. "Now everybody is going to remember you as the boy who gave them an excuse to eat sugary junk for lunch..."

Kurt laughed at that, kissing him again.

"Oh, what luck!"

…

**And that's that. :)**

**Or not. There's a sequel up now called '**Revenge**' if you're interested! :D It's about Kurt's payback. (Wow, very imaginative, Ripple. No really. Give yourself an award.) You can find it on my profile or just searching for it.**

**Also, my wife silverfox0433 is going to sing the Chocolate Duck Lullaby for me this summer! :D Perhaps I can convince her to record it for you guys...**

**Kisses,**

**~Ripple**


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